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"I am very angry and filled with rage. I cannot express my anger, but I feel it. This anger permeates into every part of my being. It helps me to stay alive. It gives me energy to exist. It seems to be functioning to protect me. It is like a person standing over me and protecting me. It feels as if the rage has torn me apart and allows one part of myself to take care of the parts that cannot take care of themselves. My anger and rage are being put to work to function in a way that is helping me inside. This anger and rage is inside waiting to come out. It cannot come out now because it has an important job to do, but when it does it will fill a very large room."
What is this autistic boy telling us? We can break up his message into two parts: 1) the dissociation experienced by individuals with autism and 2) how emotions such as rage and anger function within the individual with autism.
He seems to be telling us that he can feel his anger and rage, but more importantly cannot express it. From his vantage point, these emotions seem to be functioning as an internal protective mode. They protect the weaker parts of himself that cannot protect themselves. It is like they are functioning as people to protect him.
In some regards this can make sense. The individual with autism has not had a completed attachment and thus is left in a dissociated unconscious state (lowest functioning child with autism). This changes as the child develops. Thus he can become more conscious and less dissociated and then we would call him high functioning or with Asperger's. Eventually he may not be identified as being on the autism spectrum at all.
It is important to note that from the perspective of an incomplete attachment the child is functioning in a normal state of dissociation. Parts of the self are not conscious to or available to the child to use in his communications with others. It is this state that the child with autism lives. Bromberg (1994)* believes all individuals begin life made up of multiple self-states. Our wholeness develops through a relationship with another person. Because the person with autism lacks an attachment, he remains in a non-whole state. Thus the individual has different parts of himself that have not been validated, remain unconscious and are also not integrated.
In this situation, this autistic boy not only is in a normal state of dissociation, but also as he lives in this state of dissociation and as he develops, he learns to adapt to the situation and parts of himself (in this case his rage and anger) become internal methods to handle and cope with his dilemma.
I believe that as he develops a significant relationship with a person who understands his predicament, together they can forge an attachment which will help him to become less dissociated. He will be able to communicate his rage and anger and other emotions as he becomes less dissociated. As this occurs, he will be able to communicate his feelings that up to this point have only been internalized.
It is important to note that some individuals with autism are filled with rage and anger and that as they do develop we see more of the explosive anger coming out. Some individuals seem to be filled with inordinate amounts of anger. I think of this from three perspectives: 1) the excessive anger might be due to his rage at not having had a direct outlet for these emotions. In other words, he had to live without access to his emotions so he is filled with anger that has never previously seen the light of day, 2) when anger is dissociated the child does not have control over this emotion. Until the angry feelings are understood, they will come out as intermittent explosive acts of rage and 3) he probably has lots of angry feelings towards others that may not have helped him to express his anger. This may not seem logical, but I would imagine the child with autism looks to the caregivers and others to know how to solve his dilemma and when this does not occur in a reasonable period of time, his anger may grow. When he finally has access to his emotions, there is what I think of as a lot of residual anger to deal with. Thus it would be important that when working with individuals with autism from a relational perspective, to expect this build up of anger to come forward. This will be a positive move for the individual with autism, but caregivers and others may not know how to manage their own feelings when they are bombarded with these angry emotions.
* For more information on dissociation see: Bromberg, P.M. (1994) "Speak! That I May See You" Some Reflections on Dissociation, Reality, and Psychoanalytic Listening. Psychoanalytic Dialogues, 4 (4): 517-547.
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, November 21, 2009
“Why Can’t I Express Anger?” Part II
Last week I discussed why the autistic person struggles so much with anger. In this blog I will discuss how the parent/caregiver or therapist can work with the person with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) who is angry.
It is important to remember that the child, teen or adult is angry for a good reason. Because the person with ASD has not had the benefit of an attachment, his feelings become dissociated. This means his feelings are separate from his intellect. Overtime his feelings become bottled up and he subsequently appears angry. Thus we can say his anger is due to his inability to easily access to his feelings. This can be his general state of existence. As mentioned last week, people manifest anger in a variety of ways – passive, passive-aggressive, explosive/competitive and assertively. It is rare for a person with ASD to know how to assertively express anger because that would mean that he has what I call a “sense of self-agency.” This means he can use and express his feelings with others. His ability to express feelings will depend on his functioning level. The higher the functioning level the more the person with ASD can access and express feelings.
What can we do to help the person with ASD cope with his angry feelings? The following are suggestions to use when working with an autistic person who is displaying anger: 1) a key skill is to listen to the anger. Listening to the anger of another helps the person to feel ‘contained’ and ‘held’ without literally holding and containing him or her. It is hard to listen to another when their anger is directed at us, but it is critical to listen at that time. It gives the autistic person a feeling of being seen, recognized and taken into consideration, 2) reflect back to the person what you think their anger is about. With autistic people it can be about something specific and at other times it may be about feeling bottled up. It will be up to you to decipher what you think their anger is about. Use your own instincts to judge what the anger is about and the person with ASD will let you know whether he feels heard or not, 3) how can we recognize whether we have identified the anger? The person with ASD (even the nonverbal child) will start to quiet down, change their mood, nod their head or give you some nonverbal gesture that he feels heard. Each person with ASD is different so his or her nonverbal cues for feeling understood will vary, 4) in a few sentences tell the person with ASD what you think the problem is and finally, 5) problem-solve solutions to specific problems.
For people with ASD who are high functioning/Asperger’s you may also want to do the following: 1) help him examine his triggers (what occurred right before his angry outburst), 2) have him own his own feelings by encouraging him to use what is called “I” messages versus “you” or blaming messages, 3) give him coping mechanisms such as – calling for a time out when he is feeling frustrated, encourage him to talk to someone before he gets triggered and teach him how to listen and reflect back the feelings of others.
These are some important ways to think about how one can help the person with ASD cope with anger. As we know, the expression of angry feelings is important for the psychological well being of all people including those with autism. Because someone has autism does not mean they cannot learn how to better manage and cope with angry feelings.
It is important to remember that the child, teen or adult is angry for a good reason. Because the person with ASD has not had the benefit of an attachment, his feelings become dissociated. This means his feelings are separate from his intellect. Overtime his feelings become bottled up and he subsequently appears angry. Thus we can say his anger is due to his inability to easily access to his feelings. This can be his general state of existence. As mentioned last week, people manifest anger in a variety of ways – passive, passive-aggressive, explosive/competitive and assertively. It is rare for a person with ASD to know how to assertively express anger because that would mean that he has what I call a “sense of self-agency.” This means he can use and express his feelings with others. His ability to express feelings will depend on his functioning level. The higher the functioning level the more the person with ASD can access and express feelings.
What can we do to help the person with ASD cope with his angry feelings? The following are suggestions to use when working with an autistic person who is displaying anger: 1) a key skill is to listen to the anger. Listening to the anger of another helps the person to feel ‘contained’ and ‘held’ without literally holding and containing him or her. It is hard to listen to another when their anger is directed at us, but it is critical to listen at that time. It gives the autistic person a feeling of being seen, recognized and taken into consideration, 2) reflect back to the person what you think their anger is about. With autistic people it can be about something specific and at other times it may be about feeling bottled up. It will be up to you to decipher what you think their anger is about. Use your own instincts to judge what the anger is about and the person with ASD will let you know whether he feels heard or not, 3) how can we recognize whether we have identified the anger? The person with ASD (even the nonverbal child) will start to quiet down, change their mood, nod their head or give you some nonverbal gesture that he feels heard. Each person with ASD is different so his or her nonverbal cues for feeling understood will vary, 4) in a few sentences tell the person with ASD what you think the problem is and finally, 5) problem-solve solutions to specific problems.
For people with ASD who are high functioning/Asperger’s you may also want to do the following: 1) help him examine his triggers (what occurred right before his angry outburst), 2) have him own his own feelings by encouraging him to use what is called “I” messages versus “you” or blaming messages, 3) give him coping mechanisms such as – calling for a time out when he is feeling frustrated, encourage him to talk to someone before he gets triggered and teach him how to listen and reflect back the feelings of others.
These are some important ways to think about how one can help the person with ASD cope with anger. As we know, the expression of angry feelings is important for the psychological well being of all people including those with autism. Because someone has autism does not mean they cannot learn how to better manage and cope with angry feelings.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
“Why Can’t I Express Anger?” Part I
“I feel all bottled up. I have no outlet for my thoughts and feelings. It feels like I have no control over my feelings especially my angry feelings. I feel if I talk about my feelings, they will explode over everything and everybody. I feel I will fill up the whole room with my anger and these feelings will never end and destroy everything in sight. So I must keep them inside where they do not see the light of day. I must stay bottled up to protect everyone from my overwhelming feelings.”
What is this autistic boy telling us? He seems to be telling us that at times he is in touch with his feelings and when he is, it overwhelms him to such a degree that he feels he needs to control them versus to let them out. He also seems to feel that he has no control over these feelings so he works hard to keep them inside.
Anger is a normal response to feeling frustrated, a loss of control and disappointment. To express one’s anger in a way that others can take is difficult for most people including those with autism. Why do we all have a hard time expressing anger? I believe the young autistic boy at the beginning of this blog stated what many might feel “we feel it will destroy others and we do not feel in control of ourselves when we feel angry.” When someone is expressing angry feelings toward us, we may feel triggered and then become angry back. As a result anger gets anger. Other times particular people or situations may make us feel angry. For example, an authoritarian boss may micromanage us. In turn we might feel controlled and angry. We learn to manage our anger through our early family relationships. Some people manage their anger through competition and explosion, others may be passive and hold in their anger, some are passive-aggressive, and finally some can be assertively angry.
Thus various personality types, people and situations may trigger one’s anger. We all have our own triggers that have evolved and remain with of us as residue waiting for that next trigger to cause us to feel angry. Unfortunately many people have not learned to express their anger assertively and instead rely on early methods of expression such as aggressive explosions, passivity and passive-aggression. We cannot change other people and certain situations, but we can learn and change how we manage anger.
Managing anger for the autistic person is far more complicated than what has been mentioned thus far. Not only does the person with autism have to deal with normal daily triggers, but also their own communication limitations. The autistic person does not have the same outlets for their anger that the ‘typical’ person has. They do not have easy and direct access to their feelings and thus many times when triggered, either explode or keep their anger and other feelings within. They literally cannot manage their feelings because their feelings are dissociated. Dissociation means that parts of the self are not conscious to or available to the person to use in their communications with others. It is this state that the ASD individual lives. Bromberg (1994) believes individuals begin life made up of multiple self-states. Our wholeness develops through a relationship with another person. * Because the autistic person lacks an attachment, he remains in a non-whole state. Thus the individual has different parts of himself that have not integrated. What does dissociation look like: 1) the person who is talking about one thing and then switches to another topic very dramatically, 2) the person who cannot talk about feelings, but can talk about an obscure topic, 3) the person who has a special ability such as remembering dates, but cannot attend to the topic at hand.
Thus the dissociated state of the ASD individual prevents him from being able to consciously access his feelings and therefore be able to express those feelings in relationship to others. Next week I will discuss how one might work with the angry feelings of an autistic person.
* For more information see: Bromberg, P. M. (1994), “Speak! That I May See You” Some Reflections on Dissociation, Reality, and Psychoanalytic Listening. Psychoanalytic Dialogues, 4 (4): 517-547.
What is this autistic boy telling us? He seems to be telling us that at times he is in touch with his feelings and when he is, it overwhelms him to such a degree that he feels he needs to control them versus to let them out. He also seems to feel that he has no control over these feelings so he works hard to keep them inside.
Anger is a normal response to feeling frustrated, a loss of control and disappointment. To express one’s anger in a way that others can take is difficult for most people including those with autism. Why do we all have a hard time expressing anger? I believe the young autistic boy at the beginning of this blog stated what many might feel “we feel it will destroy others and we do not feel in control of ourselves when we feel angry.” When someone is expressing angry feelings toward us, we may feel triggered and then become angry back. As a result anger gets anger. Other times particular people or situations may make us feel angry. For example, an authoritarian boss may micromanage us. In turn we might feel controlled and angry. We learn to manage our anger through our early family relationships. Some people manage their anger through competition and explosion, others may be passive and hold in their anger, some are passive-aggressive, and finally some can be assertively angry.
Thus various personality types, people and situations may trigger one’s anger. We all have our own triggers that have evolved and remain with of us as residue waiting for that next trigger to cause us to feel angry. Unfortunately many people have not learned to express their anger assertively and instead rely on early methods of expression such as aggressive explosions, passivity and passive-aggression. We cannot change other people and certain situations, but we can learn and change how we manage anger.
Managing anger for the autistic person is far more complicated than what has been mentioned thus far. Not only does the person with autism have to deal with normal daily triggers, but also their own communication limitations. The autistic person does not have the same outlets for their anger that the ‘typical’ person has. They do not have easy and direct access to their feelings and thus many times when triggered, either explode or keep their anger and other feelings within. They literally cannot manage their feelings because their feelings are dissociated. Dissociation means that parts of the self are not conscious to or available to the person to use in their communications with others. It is this state that the ASD individual lives. Bromberg (1994) believes individuals begin life made up of multiple self-states. Our wholeness develops through a relationship with another person. * Because the autistic person lacks an attachment, he remains in a non-whole state. Thus the individual has different parts of himself that have not integrated. What does dissociation look like: 1) the person who is talking about one thing and then switches to another topic very dramatically, 2) the person who cannot talk about feelings, but can talk about an obscure topic, 3) the person who has a special ability such as remembering dates, but cannot attend to the topic at hand.
Thus the dissociated state of the ASD individual prevents him from being able to consciously access his feelings and therefore be able to express those feelings in relationship to others. Next week I will discuss how one might work with the angry feelings of an autistic person.
* For more information see: Bromberg, P. M. (1994), “Speak! That I May See You” Some Reflections on Dissociation, Reality, and Psychoanalytic Listening. Psychoanalytic Dialogues, 4 (4): 517-547.
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