Using My Side Glance Instead of Direct Eye Contact

“I feel at times that I sneak at being a person. I take a 'side-glance' here and a 'side-glance' there. By using my 'side-glance,' I can sneak at what others are doing. Since I feel inside out and upside down, everything I do is indirect. I know this to be true, but I don't understand why. I have to be indirect and that is one of the rules I must live by. Looking directly at someone is wrong and I cannot do it. Every time I look into someone’s eyes (and I only do this with a 'side-glance') their eyes hurt me and stop me from moving forward. Eye contact is forbidden. This is one of the rules I have to live by. My survival depends on it.”

What is this autistic boy telling us? He feels he needs to sneak outside of himself and does this by using what he calls a side-glance and not by using direct eye contact. Looking directly at another person feels like it breaks an internal code and will stop his forward movement. The side-glance does not seem to break the rules he lives by. The side-glance probably is a safer means of existing and does not forfeit his forward movement, which seems to be compromised by the use of direct eye contact.

This autistic boy has opened up an important point regarding communication and specifically about eye contact, which has been discussed previously. He is talking here about how he has compensated for his lack of eye contact. He does not want to stop his forward movement so he has learned to still be in the world by using his side-glance. This allows him access to the world, but does not put him into a situation of feeling his forward movement will be stopped.

As mentioned previously, I discussed how the autistic person comes to use eye contact. This occurs once he has mastered claiming and talking about his feelings. He can claim his feelings and use them as part of his communication when a caregiver/therapist understands and recognizes his feelings. In a sense he will be able to give up his side-glance and use direct eye contact when he feels seen and recognized. Until he can do that he has no way to represent his feelings in relationship to others. In this case this autistic child found a way to be in the world, but not one that is familiar to most people who have had an attachment. He knows he cannot use direct eye contact so he uses what he knows which is what he calls his side-glance. The use of a side-glance probably is less anxiety producing. He can control his environment by sneaking out a side-glance and not be afraid that he will be expected to communicate in a way that he cannot literally do.

Eye ‘I’ Contact and Autism

“Sometimes I practice looking at someone directly to see what it feels like. If I practice long enough maybe it will feel okay to do. I notice that this is important, but it goes against my rules. If somebody made me look at him in the eye, I would probably do it, but you better believe that I would hate him. I will look someone in the eye when I am ready and do it in my own time and space. If someone is trying to fix himself that part is just not ready yet. Have you figured out that I am very stubborn? It's not that I like being stubborn, but I need to protect myself.”

Let’s make sense out of this autistic child’s experience. We can only infer what is going on within him. He seems to be telling us that eye contact does not come naturally to him. He also might be saying, “leave me alone and do not force me to use eye contact.” If he is forced, he is saying he will resent that person’s interference. Finally he is telling us he is trying to fix his situation and does not want to be intruded upon by others.

What do we do about this child’s lack of eye contact? This is a quandary for us because as ‘typical’ people we know that when good communication is taking place eye contact is direct and focused on the other person. With the person with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), this is not the case. In fact it appears to be just the opposite. The urgency is to want the person with ASD to be in the world and be like us. This may cause us to force or demand the child to use eye contact. I believe this is putting the ‘cart before the horse.’

As we know people with ASD struggle with communication and relationships with others. Eye contact stands out as a nonverbal gesture that feels troublesome for those who work with or have children with autism. I believe that the child will start to use eye contact when he is ready. Thus we need to be patient and let it happen in the normal course of the child’s development.

Some thoughts to think about regarding eye contact: 1) the child is not deliberately being difficult by not using eye contact, 2) his body will not let him use eye contact or let him use his bodily gestures as we might be familiar with, 3) this does not mean that the lack of eye contact cannot change over time, 4) as the child develops his ability to communicate verbally, his use of direct eye contact will develop as well, 5) in fact it might be the last nonverbal gesture he will be able to conquer. This will vary from child to child, 6) eye contact is a nonverbal (gesture) communication from the unconscious of a person, 7) when communication is good we say that the person is congruent. Their verbal communication is complimented by their nonverbal gestures (eye contact being only one of many nonverbal gestures). This means that the person will use direct eye contact when he feels more comfortable with his verbal communication and his relationships with others. Eye contact demonstrates the individual’s confidence and self-esteem, and finally 8) a way to think about eye contact is that the child will use ‘eye’ contact when he can use ‘I’ contact.