Living Without Boundaries-the Autistic Experience

God, I reach out and I cannot feel myself in time and space. It is as if I am floating in air without any boundaries. It feels like I am in a state of never-ending hell like living in a black hole with no exit. I want to scream, but I cannot talk, I cannot move my mouth, I cannot tell anyone of my dilemma. This hell has become my secret and my secret alone. God, you share my secret. Will I ever find a way out of this hell? God, I am screaming. I am screaming without words. God, these are loud screams, but silent screams. Do you hear me God? Do you hear me?

This is one autistic boy’s communication of a boundary-less existence. This child is talking about what it is like to not be able to place himself into “time and space.” He seems to also feel like he is floating in space with nothing solid below or around him to hold onto. He seems suspended in an existence without any means to communicate his predicament. What does he mean by these comments? I believe he is saying, “I do not feel like I exist. Time and space have no meaning for me. I live in a ‘psychological’ world with no anchors and continuity of being (internal stability). I am terrified by this state of existence.”

It is important to take this autistic boy seriously. He is telling us how he exists. The first step to helping him feel that he has boundaries and to feel ‘alive’ is to believe in his state of existence. An autistic individual’s development is based on how well we can understand his predicament. The better we can understand him, the more he has a chance to exist like any “typical” person. Many people work with autistic individuals by trying to change the child’s behavior. I believe the work needs to be exactly the opposite. We need to change how we understand and treat the autistic person. When we emphasize their need to change than they may never feel validated and are left in a boundary-less existence. In essence when we want him to change we are in fact saying “there is something wrong with you which we do not like.” I do not think this is the message that we want to be sending. I believe that autistic people have a hard time ‘existing’ because people are always reflecting back to them a message that does not reflect how they feel. Thus it is not the autistic person that needs to change, but it is how we understand their predicament that needs to change.