The Forgotten Child

Scarier than anything else is the feeling that I can’t cry, can’t feel, can’t talk. Tears don’t come out of my eyes, never, ever. I hear others talk about feelings. They say, “I love you, I hate you, I hurt.” I don’t feel. Where are my feelings? God must have forgotten about me. “Dear God, why did you forget about me?” I am a lost child. I feel like God forgot to make me into a person. I say to myself, “I must have done something wrong. I was left out.” Forgotten – a forgotten child who must fend for himself.

Let’s make sense out of this autistic child’s experience. We can only speculate about what is going on within him. This child appears to be very aware of his predicament. He can see that others function differently than him, but he cannot seem to do anything about it. He knows he cannot express feelings and thus tries to make sense of his own experience. He believes he was not made into a person like other people and that God must have forgotten about him. It makes sense that he would make up a story or what I call a “narrative” to explain his state of existence. In his story to himself he blames himself for his predicament. He goes on to tell us that he feels forgotten. In that last sentence he seems to have made up his mind that he will remain forgotten and must handle “life” in his own way.

The story he tells us may leave us feeling sad and hopeless for him. I believe that each person with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) comes up with his or her own story about himself or herself. This is not unique to people with ASD. All human beings have their own narratives based on their experiences. As a therapist, I am always helping clients to understand and refine their own narratives. People with ASD would also benefit from this refinement and understanding of their own “stories.”

How might we help our child with ASD understand and refine his story? The answer depends on the age of the child and his functioning level. It also depends on your perceptions of Autism Spectrum Disorders. From my perspective, I believe the child lacks an attachment, has varying degrees of self-agency (depending on his functioning level) and goes in and out of states of dissociation. From that perspective, I feel there is hope for the child even though he may not feel that hope. In fact, I believe I need to hold onto the hope he may not be able to feel.

Thus in this case, I would work with the child to 1) help him understand that he did not cause the ASD, 2) that there is hope for him even though he may not be able to feel that hope, 3) that he does have feelings, but that they are not available to him now, but that does not mean they will not be available to him at a later date, 3) the work we do together will help him to access those feelings that seem to be missing, 4) he is not alone with this predicament and 5) together we will work to make his life easier.

The point to remember is that our own perspective of the child and autism will influence the child’s story about himself and his ultimate ability to grow and develop. Even if we say nothing, the child will pick up through our nonverbal communication and tone of voice how we feel about him and his predicament. Thus it becomes critical to become aware of our own perceptions about our children and about Autism Spectrum Disorders.