Making Sense of Reversal of Pronouns in Autism

“Since I am inside out and upside down everything is reversed. Words come out backwards and incorrectly. Many times I use the word you to refer to me. It is safer to use you because I don't have to take responsibility and it is safer this way. It is not that I don't want to take responsibility, but if I don't have a personality, and I am not a person and I am without self-esteem, how can I use I. The ability to use I comes out of knowing oneself and having confidence, which is something I do not have yet. Please bear with me. I still have a long ways to go. I guess you will just have to remember that when I use you I really mean I. Also remember that I am reversed. In fact everything about me is reversed.”

What is this autistic boy telling us? He is aware that he reverses his pronouns, but cannot do anything about it. He tells us that it is safer to refer to himself by using the word you instead of me or I. He seems to not have any control over his usage of words. He also tells us that he is physically reversed and that is the reason why he reverses his pronouns.

Let’s understand this autistic boy by reviewing his experience through the lens of an Incomplete Attachment. From an Incomplete Attachment it makes sense that he believes that he lives inside of himself and that what individuals on the outside see is the reversal of what he potentially will be. From this perspective, his conscious state of existence is sequestered inside. Conversely, he is in an unconscious state when observed by others. That is why some individuals with autism can be very verbal on paper and when they type, but can also have so-called autistic behaviors that make them seem uncontrollable and bizarre to some. Another example is the individual with autism who seems oblivious to people and seems to not know that others exist. At times like that, he may literally walk over the other person or ignore him.

Furthermore, this reversal of consciousness contributes to what seems to be a reversal of pronouns. When this autistic boy reverses his pronouns he does so because in his present state of existence he does not have access to his feelings. These feelings are sequestered or dissociated, waiting to be recognized and validated through the attachment process. As he becomes more conscious and can use his self in relationship with others he will be able to claim the use of me and finally I.

Feeling Sick: Communication, Obsession and Autism

"I like being sick with the flu. It's not that I really like being sick, but I like the attention I get when I am sick. My mother is the perfect mother when I am sick. I even feel that I can talk when I am sick. Usually I don't like to sleep with the light off at night and the door shut, but when I am sick I just do not care about those things. The pain of sickness seems to create a situation where I feel more normal than I usually do. This is something I have thought about a lot. I have figured out that when I am sick it is my one chance to talk about the pain that I feel inside. So when I talk about the pain due to fever, I am really also talking about the pain inside. It is not socially acceptable to talk about my inside pain and besides I don't believe others including my parents would understand my inside pain. The pain inside is my secret and I must handle it by myself. That is one of my rules. When I am sick it is an opportunity to talk indirectly without revealing myself too much."

What is this autistic boy telling us? He seems to feel more 'normal' when he is sick with the flu. He can do things during this time that he feels he cannot do otherwise. He also realizes that he can use his flu symptoms as a vehicle to talk about his deep internal feelings. He knows he cannot talk because he does not have the ability to use himself with others. This is what I call a lack of self-agency. He also knows that by using something that is really happening he can in some sense talk out of two sides of his mouth. On the one hand, he is talking about how he feels with the flu, but more importantly he is also talking about his deep psychic pain and feelings.

This is a common phenomenon for those with autism. They cannot talk about themselves or represent themselves to others, but they can talk (if they have words) about what they see outside of themselves. Thus some people with autism can be seen to talk on two different levels. The obvious level (in this case about his flu) and the less obvious which is a much deeper feeling state.

Another example may be helpful to explain this phenomenon. As we know children with autism are known to have obsessions. These obsessions seem to be unique to each child. It is my belief that if we take any one obsession, we can understand it from two different levels. For example, a child may be preoccupied with cars, trains and other modes of transportation. One level of understanding is the obvious. Typically, one would say, "he is obsessed with cars and trains." On a deeper level, I believe is is also saying, "I cannot move and I am trying to figure out how things move and I need you to help me move."

Why does the child with autism use this very indirect way of talking about what his needs are? It is important to remember that people with autism have anywhere from none to very little self-agency. Self-agency is what gives us the ability to represent ourselves in relationship to others. Thus, these children do not have a way to represent themselves with others, but their bodies still need to communicate. Thus the child with autism communicates through his body in a way that most people are unfamiliar with. Once the child feels his obsession is understood and recognized, he can let go of that particular obsession. Thus the obsession serves as a vehicle to communicate ideas and feelings that the child cannot otherwise communicate.

Feeling Alive

“I am eight years old. When I get scared I go into the bathroom. I take off all my clothes and lay on the bathroom floor. Does anyone see me? Can you feel me? I fantasize that I am alive, and being touched all over. I close my eyes and touch myself all over as if someone else is doing it. I feel alive when I do this. I wish someone else would do this. Consume me and make me feel alive. I want to be examined from head to foot. Examined as if I am important.”

What is this autistic boy telling us? It seems that he does not feel alive. It is hard to know exactly what he means by being alive. By speculating, it seems he feels he can make himself feel alive if he actually does what he wants someone else to do – touch him. He seems to be acting out his need to be touched and seen. He seems to be telling us that he wants to be known and that he wants every orifice to be touched and seen.

Every human being needs to be seen, recognized and ultimately touched by another human being. This child has missed out on this opportunity and is thus acting out his need for this psychological touching. It may seem strange that a young child would go to great lengths by acting out his needs through his behaviors. For autistic children this is the norm and must be understood for what it is and what he means through his behavior.

Most typical children can use words to express their needs. Autistic children cannot use words and thus must rely on their bodies to express their needs. We can also say that typical children have had an attachment. It is through an attachment that the child learns how to regulate himself through the mutual regulation process between caregiver/s and infant. During the attachment process we also come to understand ourselves by how our caregivers’ understand, accept, validate and recognize us. The caregivers help the child to symbolize his experiences. Unfortunately, the autistic child has not had the benefit of an attachment to a caregiver and thus is waiting for the attachment process to be completed. It can be said that he has an Incomplete Attachment.

It is also important to note, that all typically developing as well as autistic children have varying degrees of what I call self-agency. Self-agency is the ability to use oneself in relationship to others. In the lowest functioning autistic child he has no self-agency and thus has no words or is echolalic. The higher functioning the child (typical or autistic) the more self-agency he has. The autistic child will always use his body as a substitute for his lack of self-agency. Thus what he tells us through his body is very important for us to understand.

One more key idea is important to cite here. Autistic children when communicating with their bodies are talking about their psychological needs and not necessarily their daily needs. The typically developing child will express the desire to have a cookie, drink some milk, etc. Of course the autistic child has those needs as well, but he uses his body to express much deeper psychological needs such as our autistic boy in this blog. Through his body (unconsciously) and what may seem strange to some, he is telling us he has a deep need to be touched and seen. We can assume that these needs have not yet been met.