Feeling Alive

“I am eight years old. When I get scared I go into the bathroom. I take off all my clothes and lay on the bathroom floor. Does anyone see me? Can you feel me? I fantasize that I am alive, and being touched all over. I close my eyes and touch myself all over as if someone else is doing it. I feel alive when I do this. I wish someone else would do this. Consume me and make me feel alive. I want to be examined from head to foot. Examined as if I am important.”

What is this autistic boy telling us? It seems that he does not feel alive. It is hard to know exactly what he means by being alive. By speculating, it seems he feels he can make himself feel alive if he actually does what he wants someone else to do – touch him. He seems to be acting out his need to be touched and seen. He seems to be telling us that he wants to be known and that he wants every orifice to be touched and seen.

Every human being needs to be seen, recognized and ultimately touched by another human being. This child has missed out on this opportunity and is thus acting out his need for this psychological touching. It may seem strange that a young child would go to great lengths by acting out his needs through his behaviors. For autistic children this is the norm and must be understood for what it is and what he means through his behavior.

Most typical children can use words to express their needs. Autistic children cannot use words and thus must rely on their bodies to express their needs. We can also say that typical children have had an attachment. It is through an attachment that the child learns how to regulate himself through the mutual regulation process between caregiver/s and infant. During the attachment process we also come to understand ourselves by how our caregivers’ understand, accept, validate and recognize us. The caregivers help the child to symbolize his experiences. Unfortunately, the autistic child has not had the benefit of an attachment to a caregiver and thus is waiting for the attachment process to be completed. It can be said that he has an Incomplete Attachment.

It is also important to note, that all typically developing as well as autistic children have varying degrees of what I call self-agency. Self-agency is the ability to use oneself in relationship to others. In the lowest functioning autistic child he has no self-agency and thus has no words or is echolalic. The higher functioning the child (typical or autistic) the more self-agency he has. The autistic child will always use his body as a substitute for his lack of self-agency. Thus what he tells us through his body is very important for us to understand.

One more key idea is important to cite here. Autistic children when communicating with their bodies are talking about their psychological needs and not necessarily their daily needs. The typically developing child will express the desire to have a cookie, drink some milk, etc. Of course the autistic child has those needs as well, but he uses his body to express much deeper psychological needs such as our autistic boy in this blog. Through his body (unconsciously) and what may seem strange to some, he is telling us he has a deep need to be touched and seen. We can assume that these needs have not yet been met.